I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The air was thick with penises
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
