I could have mohawked her pubes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
