You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
