You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
