i don't like sucking hair
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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