Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
