Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
