i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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