I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
