People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
