i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
