i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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