I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
