I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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