Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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