My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
