Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
