Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
