dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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