I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
