got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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