You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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