when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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