Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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