Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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