WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I stole a fireplace last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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