My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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