When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
