there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
