my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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