Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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