Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Randomize
