saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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