nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
