Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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