I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
