I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize