my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
