The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
