we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
