Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
