Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Randomize
