he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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