I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize