I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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