Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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