Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
