My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I could fuck to npr.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize