he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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