im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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