Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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