my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
